Oh, how proud of myself I was: look at me, look at me, I’ve found acceptance, a place so elusive I was starting to doubt its existence, or wondered if it was simply by invite only, for the VIPs of life. But I made it! Me! And I allowed myself an extra serving of smugness for how well I was coping with everything, finding a way to be at peace with the situation, finding a way to hook-up with smiling and laughing each day. But… what’s that saying? Oh yes, pride comes before a big fat fall. Because life, being as hilarious as it is, greeted my newly declared smugness with a laugh so loud it echoed round the apartment, ‘oh yeah, you think you’re calm, relaxed and at peace with everything, let’s see what happens when…’
I dream of being *that* person, you know, the person who is comfortable in their own skin, the person who genuinely doesn’t care what other people think of them, the person who accepts themselves just the way they are.
But I am *this* person: I am insecure about pretty much every part of me. It starts as I wake up – in my comforting foetal position, I can feel my little pot belly hang over onto the bed; I’m sure it’s the first thing I am aware of every morning. And it kind of goes from there…
I have bad dark circles under my eyes, I’ve always had them, it’s just the way I am made. You think I would have moved to acceptance at the age of 41, but no, I am paranoid about them; I Continue reading
I looked around for a comfy chair, or a bed, or maybe the floor would do. Yes, I could just curl up in the corner by the escalator… No, I can make it upstairs, make it to Mike and then… My head was spinning, I felt sick and anxious; I felt separate to the world around me. I made it upstairs – Mike was trying on some boots. I sat down on one of the stools in the shoe department and hugged my handbag to me like a comfort blanket. It was 11 am, I was meeting a friend at 1 pm to go out for lunch and then to the theatre. Two hours felt like a very long time away. I hugged my bag tighter. Emma rang and I shared that I was having a meltdown in TKMaxx. Her Continue reading
My groove is officially back – I may not be donning lycra (or fashioning a pillow face on Graham Norton) but my world has returned to its vibrant colourful state, and the grey has vanished as mysteriously as it arrived. Continue reading
I could not get into my groove last week: I wanted to hide from the world, just stop (and never start again if possible). I was running a permanent fantasy in my head of climbing back under the duvet and staying there until, well until I could be bothered with life again. But I forced myself to ‘show up’ for everything, in an attempt to jump-start my sparkle. I did my usual feel good tactics: exercise, best friend therapy, writing, reading inspirational stories, a lovely weekend with friends and Hubby. I even threw in some Daniel Craig and Green and Black’s for good measure. But none of it was enough to shift the grey mood. (And I definitely don’t suit grey, my mood is normally red or pink or purple.)
As I spoke to other friends, I soon realised I was not alone. Whether it was going back to work, the weather (which was stormy and blustery here) or the post-Christmas sugar Continue reading