Tears, Tantrums and Tigger

English: Bad Luck Marbles sent to Langkawi

English: Bad Luck Marbles sent to Langkawi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was a tough few months, the CFS crash between April and August of this year, the days stuck at home plastered to the sofa. But I survived – just – and I was ready to enjoy my reward: normal life. I got over excited about being reunited with my trainers and enthusiastically jumped around the lounge, happy to hear Jillian Michaels shout at me; I started filling my diary with lunches, meals out, trips to the theatre, and weekends away; I reunited with my writing plans, determinedly working out my route from Blogger to Grazia.

It hasn’t worked out like that, though. Yes, I have left the CFS behind, which is of course what I want, where I want it to stay, but in the last couple of months, I have not been skipping around enjoying life, making up for lost days.

It started with a sickness bug, which made me really poorly (and came dangerously close to impacting a weekend in Barcelona. How rude). I then hurt my foot and I couldn’t walk for a few days; then I had one of those ridiculous, fake looking limps for several days after – it was so bad I even wore my sports trainers into town, as they were the only shoes I could walk in. (Yes, Fashion, I hang my head in shame.)

Next up was an extreme reaction to a new supplement, which left me stuck on the sofa for a week or so (this has been the worst out of the run of bad luck, as the symptoms mirrored CFS and put the fear of the CFS God into me). I then did something to my eye, which left it bloodshot for several weeks; at the same time I developed a skin irritation on my hands, legs and elbows. A trip to the doctor reassured me that neither were serious, but they are inconvenient, nevertheless, and involve hourly applications of creams and drops. I then had a random bout of tooth ache, which did its best to make eating difficult (but I can be very determined). And, for my finale, I have spent the last few days experiencing another reaction – equally as extreme as the last – to a different supplement (yes, I am done with supplements, those small, innocent looking capsules will not seduce me with their promises again. Ever.)

Add into this mix a few cycles of endometriosis which, despite specialist intervention, is still causing me pain for about a week every three weeks, and it has very much felt like one thing after another. (Enough now, please, whoever is in control of such things.)

This is not what CFS free life should be: it should be about being healthy and living my life; it is not me going from one health challenge to another (non CFS health challenges are no more fun!).

I have tried to take everything in my stride, to hold dearly the good news that CFS is no more. But that good news seems to have got lost at times, as issue after issue has produced new daily headlines. I know none of them are big issues and, perhaps in isolation, would have felt manageable, but added together I have felt overwhelmed. I fought so hard to come through the CFS crash, this is not what I was expecting on the other side. I know there are people in far worse situations than me, people undeserving of those hands of fate, but day-to-day I have struggled to keep perspective and I feel worn down.

Somewhere in between all of this, there have been normal days: days filled with life, with laughter, with writing, with friends, with Husband – but just not enough. I feel my life is being dangled in front of me, just out of reach, teasing me: this is what your life could be, if…

The starting and stopping has sometimes felt too much to bear, I just want to start and keep going. I want to take my love of life and use it to live. I want to take that writing plan and do some proper work on it, not just give it a little poke here and there.

And I am annoyed with myself for finding it all so hard; I feel like I’m making a fuss. Strong people take whatever is thrown at them and keep smiling. Or so I tell myself. If I stop for a moment and give the situation some rational thought, I know this is not true – and I know most people would have struggled with my bad luck dance of the last couple of months.

You think I would be better equipped to deal with life not going according to plan, after everything, but I’m not; it never gets any easier to watch days slowly slip away.

But I am excellent at bouncing back; I am the Tigger of bouncing back. I trust that all of this will pass (experience tells me the supplement reaction will run its course in a few more days); I trust that there will soon be days filled with life and laughter. And hey, I shouldn’t complain, I’ve been to Sainsbury’s today (my first trip out of the apartment for four days): do not underestimate the importance of having a supply of Green and Black’s, and wine at these times (but obviously only to be consumed in moderation, being an overweight alcoholic would clearly interfere with bouncing).

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10 thoughts on “Tears, Tantrums and Tigger

  1. I can genuinely really feel for you and you have my sympathy and support. My fiancee has suffered her current relapse of CFS for over 3 years. For her there is no end in sight and she constantly catches new ailments and everything is so unfair. Some days are definitely harder than others. Constant reassurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better is what I can offer as well as a supporting shoulder.

    I hope that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today.

    • Hey!

      I’m so sorry to hear your fiancΓ© is struggling with CFS. Unfortunately, I know too well how awful it can be (and how difficult it is for you too).

      Today has been a little better, thank you. And I do, however crazy it may sound, think I’m okay underneath all of this bad luck. I don’t think CFS is coming back to get me – let’s hope I’m right!

      Thank you so much for the kind words. Lots of healing energy to your lady…

      P.S. Husband bought a Kindle at the weekend!

  2. No wise words of wisdom from me today as I sit here snuffled up with cold, just a big internet hug and a reiki blessing πŸ™‚ xxx

    • How lovely to hear from you, Toni. Thank you for the kind words, it’s very sweet of you.

      I think you would be a lovely Buddhist character (I don’t know any names, but I’m sure there must be one!) – one which finds peace through all your challenges.

      Xx

    • What a sweet message, Olabode. Thank you.

      The last couple of days have been a little easier, thankfully. We’re off to London today which will be the perfect pick-me-up (hope Tigger is in the case!).

      Hope all is good with you…

      Xx

  3. ah darling…it’s good to find you again but i am sorry to hear that what i have is catchy…i think i’ve not raised myself from me bed since thanksgiving, when i overdid-as they say, with my gkids and put myself in bed (BACK in bed is closer to truth)… i hate hate hate this stuff and wish they’d throw some money at a little more research. i’ve been this way for 12 years now…come on, enough already…a decade of life is snuffed while i lay around getting weaker.

    hoping you stay well. i am not sure i really believe one can rid oneself of it tho i read about it….i think it is possible to keep on top of it but once down, it’s very hard to climb out. you know, i am sure. anyway i am glad i wandered by. not too good about watching my reader on wp so missed your posts. will try not to from now on…..you make me smile. πŸ™‚ be well, my dear xx

    • Hello lovely Linda, how wonderful to hear from you… Although, I’m sorry to hear you have been stuck in bed. No fun. No fun at all.

      I’m glad I make you smile… that makes me smile!

      You keep well too, my darling.

      Xx

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