Well, that born again optimist was not to be trusted. As I was enjoying reconnecting with my good friends, hope and possibility, the bitch payback rudely showed up, and with her usual charm put an instant stop to the party. Apparently, my body needed some time to recover from its most recent black hole adventure. (Honestly, body, enough!) Much of the festive season was spent in bed, listening to meditations and dozing, whilst the sound of laughter and chatting drifted up the stairs. I dipped into the festivities as and when the energy allowed – to get fed if nothing else (and with two foodies in the house, getting fed was definitely worth the effort). I did my best to fix my face to Continue reading
Oh, how proud of myself I was: look at me, look at me, I’ve found acceptance, a place so elusive I was starting to doubt its existence, or wondered if it was simply by invite only, for the VIPs of life. But I made it! Me! And I allowed myself an extra serving of smugness for how well I was coping with everything, finding a way to be at peace with the situation, finding a way to hook-up with smiling and laughing each day. But… what’s that saying? Oh yes, pride comes before a big fat fall. Because life, being as hilarious as it is, greeted my newly declared smugness with a laugh so loud it echoed round the apartment, ‘oh yeah, you think you’re calm, relaxed and at peace with everything, let’s see what happens when…’
‘Who would want to?’ I would scream. Well, in my head. I never actually said that out loud. But inside my head, the conversation would continue: ‘who wants an old head, if it’s like that? I like my young head, thank you very much. An old head, with its ridiculous views, with all its ‘ists’: sexist, racist, fattist. What does this old head know?’
Yes, a bolshy teenager in her full, I can change the world, loud, and always right glory.
As I got older, I started to understand that my grandad was never going to change; his outrageous views were just part of him. And, instead of them annoying me, they started to amuse me. In fact, the more outrageous they were, the more amusing I found it. Continue reading
You know those warnings you get before certain TV programmes?: ‘This show contains scenes that some viewers may find disturbing?’ Well, I feel I should start this post with a warning. Not that what you’re about to read is of a violent nature, or sexually graphic, but more that I am in danger of drifting into areas which may initiate the eye roll manoeuvre. So, be warned: ‘You are now entering a zone where words such as journey, spiritual, and awakening may be used, words which some readers may find nauseating.’ I understand if you need to step away – immediately.
You see, there is an unexpected, and rather pleasant, twist to my current situation. If I was to use words without feeling self-conscious, I would say I am on a spiritual path (I did warn you), but to say that makes my own eyes roll, let alone yours. When Continue reading
As I skip along my healing path, being present, living in the moment (yes, I have been reading The Power of Now, and yes, I am a healing cliché), I know I shouldn’t have checked, that there was nothing to be gained by knowing. But… well, I have no good reason, I just got curious: it’s been nearly six months since I have been well enough to see any friends or family (well, apart from my husband, obviously, or that would just be weird). And, as I knew would be the case, knowing this has not helped me in any way. But, too late, I know.
I have missed birthday lunches with my girlfriends. I have missed Friday evening drinks and loud laughing – probably too loud for others close by – with friends as we let in the weekend fun. I have missed weekends away. I have missed family celebrations. Continue reading